Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. Hence all characters in this story belong to @blog_supplement and not to me. The stories are all meant to be in humour and not to offend anyone.
It was the start of the summer holidays before Lootika and Somakhya’s fourth year at MT university and Vidrum and Somakhya were sitting in the cricket field near their house chatting. Lootika had been with them for a while before they came to the field as they had gone together to the great MT shrine near the university to pay their respects. Vidrum had asked Lootika (much to Somakhya’s ire) whether she would be interested in staying in the field along with them so that she could do some cheer leading for them and added that Somakhya might enjoy it very much. She declined and said that she had to go to her house so Somakhya and Vidrum ended up sitting on the field ground for a while after they had finished a little practice for the big match at the university.
“The big match is going to be amazing”, commented Vidrum. “This is probably the first time everyone is taking it very seriously.”
“And they should”, said Somakhya. “Did you take a look at the team makeup? All the marunmattas are on the opposite team while all the hindus and secular hindus are on our team. This is analogous to India vs Pakistan. Especially since there are a lot of secular Islamophile moles in our team begging us not to stress ourselves out for the match and saying things like not having any girls in our team clearly shows our patriarchal nature despite the fact that this is supposed to be an all-male team and our opponents would never have any girls even if it wasn’t.”
“Oh please”, said Vidrum waving his hand. “You always think of everything in terms of marunmattas and pretas and all. Sit back and relax and enjoy the classic Indian entertainments – things like cricket, bollywood, samosas, fair-skinned Punjabi women and all.”
“We have to be a little serious about our country and our future”, chided Somakhya. “Just last week Lootika and I received a small reward from our esteemed security adviser Ajit Goval for our little contribution to his operation in the Sunderbans. We automatically gained a lot of followers on Bitter rather than those one or two bot followers we had previously. Lootika now has 10k followers on Bitter and PM Moody even promised us that he will follow both our handles for our insights but he has not done so till now.”
“Wow!” said Vidrum. “But wait, how many followers do you have now?”
Somakhya looked a little taken aback. “Well…. just 300 now. I suspect it has something to do with the differences between Lootika’s BP (twist on DP 🙂 ) and mine. Especially when a lot of secular and marunmatta guys seem to follow her and not me, one would guess it is because of something more than the content of her beets.”
“I am not on Bitter”, said Vidrum stroking his chin. “Meghana persuaded me not to join because she was complaining that there were too many Findus on it and and she said they are always bitter about something.”
Suddenly Vidrum and Somakhya noticed that Lootika had left her water bottle with them. Vidrum picked it up and some water spilled out of it onto the grass. Somakhya’s eye widened as she saw the grass glisten and turn slightly white in color where the water had fallen.
“That looks really familiar and ominous”, said Somakhya pointing to it. “Come, we have to go to the lab immediately. Get that water bottle along with you!”
Vidrum didn’t understand much but he ran along with Somakhya to the university. On the way they ran into Sharvamanyu who was just on his way back home.
“Hey Somakhya!” he called out.
“I do not have much time now”, insisted Somakhya. “Tell me some other time Sharvamanyu.”
“But this is really important”, said Sharvamanyu. “I saw that uber marunmatta guy Abdul Khan snooping around your third year chemistry lab this morning while all of you were busy in class. He seemed to be very interested in checking yours and Lootika’s samples and work. I think he must have gotten access to the lab from your brain-in-the-mud secular classmate Vishal.”
“Thanks for the info”, said Somakhya and continued to drag Vidrum along with him to the university gate.
“Abdul Khan?” said Vidrum suddenly. “I know him partly because Meghana always speaks about him. He is the son of a very rich businessman and president of the Sickular Students Union as well as the president of the Oppressed Minorities of MT University Sympathy and Charity Club on our campus. He is also the de facto head of the Bollywood club on campus but actually he makes some secular Hindu guy karan kohar do all the organizational work in it while he just goes once in a while to pose on stage and bang the chicks later. He was rated as most sexy and progressive man by the weekly MT university feminist magazine and received similar praise and approval from the LGBT on campus club. Incidentally he is also the head of our opponent team in the big match even though he can’t play cricket.”
“Seems like a complete asshole to me”, said Somakhya.
“Well actually that’s not how Meghana described him much to my dismay”, said Vidrum sighing.
“Either way if he was snooping around our lab it can only mean trouble. The esteemed founders of our university would be quite upset to see the state of it today with all the secular preta-influenced and marunmatta clubs and societies in our campus. Also the vile and poisonous magazines and literature that spreads around”
Somakhya and Vidrum entered the lab with their access card and Somakhya took the water bottle and began analysing its contents with her microscope. Vidrum took a seat next to him and casually looked at a MT uni-feminist magazine that someone left on the table. One article in the middle of it read “Don’t be fooled! Women can be misogynists too!” The article went on to describe a third year biology major student named Lootika who had a fascist handle on Bitter and had notoriously gained popularity recently. It described her as an evil witch that was certainly a curse on womankind. The article also mentioned while they could not make much sense out of her obscure, complicated beets what they could tell was that she was a fascist and that the most blasphemous thing about her was that she did not think Bollywood was cool. The writers of the article ended saying that they noticed the fact that some secular guys who had proclaimed themselves as lovers of feminists had decided to follow her handle and if they do not immediately stop taking interest in Lootika then they would face the full consequences of feminist rage. Vidrum flipped to the next page and saw that the next article was about how men should control their rage and not be curious to find out who a woman is following on Bitter.
“Aha! I guessed correctly!” Said Somakhya suddenly. “The water in Lootika’s bottle has Buckminister-phosphate-guanocytosine-looti-meghite mixed into it!”
“What? What! What?!!” Said Vidrum.
“Come on its not that complicated, its just Buckminister-phosphate-guanocytosine-looti-meghite” said Somakhya with a shrug. “Oh I see. You don’t know about it because Lootika and I dropped the idea of publishing a research article on it because the idea is trivial and also would lack funding. Basically its a simple chemical we discovered that tastes exactly like water but can be used to transform a Lootika into a Meghana. One of our most peculiar discoveries.”
“Oh how is it made?” asked Vidrum trying to stop the throbbing in his head.
“Well first you take a strand of hair from both Lootika and Meghana and tie them together and then place them in a solution of MT liquid. Then you go to the shrine of the god Bollocks who is the arch enemy of our patron devta MT and do puja with the solution with 15 minutes. And voila, its done!”
“So obviously the guy Abdul must have done all of this” said Vidrum. “He actually did puja in front of an idol. Without doubt he destroyed it after he was done. It doesn’t matter. I never liked Bollocks anyway.”
Vidrum scratched his chin. “But one thing I am worried about is how did he manage to get a strand of Meghana’s hair?”
“Oh that is nothing surprising or new I am sure”, said Somakhya. “What I am really concerned about is how he managed to get a strand of Lootika’s hair!”
Vidrum gave her a dirty look. Suddenly Somakhya’s eyes widened. “By our good god MT! It must have already taken effect on Lootika by now. She did drink a little of the water. Undoubtedly this whole scheme was an attack by the Ghazis to weaken Hindus! Come, we have to go to her house immediately.”
To be continued…
The author uses twitter handle @arunbeeta