Hindu is a currently endangered species of animal found in India. Geographically the earliest Hindus were found in the whole of South-East Asia from Afghanistan to Myanmar. Over time they were over-run by other species of animals, who came searching for fresh pastures from the north west. Historically, the evolutionary strategy of the Hindus had been to accommodate other carnivorous animals on their grassland and slowly turn them into herbivores. This worked perfectly till the last big migration of carnivores came from the desert lands of bARbarIA. This forced Hindu populations to go down or migrate to the east and south. The new carnivores of bARbarIA completely annihilated Hindus in Afghanistan to regions as far flung as Bangladesh.
The Hindu evolutionary strategy to dupe carnivores into eating grass did not work well with the new carnivores of bARbarIA as they refused to eat any grass offered by the Hindus. The Hindus found it difficult to understand these new carnivores because they would adopt grass eating for some time when their numbers were small but would immediately switch to their carnivorous genetic program as soon as they got numerical superiority over Hindus. Since Hindus are genetically programmed to first offer grass to any new species and expect them to turn herbivore, this strategy has backfired badly against the carnivores of bARbarIA. The carnivores of bARbarIA have thus used this duping strategy of the Hindus against themselves and endangered their survival.
Thus to fight against this new species of carnivore, the genetic response of Hindus have led to their mutation into different branches. The below paragraphs summarize their names as well as behaviour:
1. Mindus (Moronic Hindus)
This is the most common variety of Hindus found in India these days. These herbivores think that the past strategy of offering grass still works in the new world. This variety of Hindu has deep belief that since they have survived for 5000 years by offering grass to new carnivorous species, they can survive in the future as well by using the same strategy. They are evenly distributed all around India and can be found in all corners. It is due to large population of Mindus that Hindus end up selecting wolves like Malu, Lulayam and Bejattiwal as their leaders.
2. Vindus (Vedanta Hindus)
This sub-species has given up on fight for survival because they bumped into treasure trove of knowledge left over by their ancestors to achieve spiritual bliss. These herbivores usually pay a lot of grass to attend workshops by other established Vindus like Sari Rhankar to bring a change in their lives. They also send grass by money order to Bl-Aaghdadi carnivore of Syria to convert him into herbivore. Till now their strategy has not worked, but probably they are only interested in their own spiritual bliss leaving other sub-species to their fate. Vindus are usually find in big and fertile grasslands like Delhi or Bangalore, where they can cultivate lots of grass to pay for expensive spiritual lessons from established Vindus to learn how to cultivate Advaita grass.
3. HINO (Hindus in name Only)
These are the mutants from the carnivores of bARBarIA or Romaria, who are not Hindus but fool Mindus and Vindus using their external appearance. The females of this sub-species are usually found with big round red dot called bindi on their foreheads, almost five times the size of bindi used by other Hindu females. The males usually sport unclean and unhygienic look to appear as common Hindus. They usually exhort Mindus and take pride in the fact that they now don’t eat grass but cows, another sub-species that is friends with common Mindus. HINOs occupy the highest place in Hindu hierarchy right now, thanks to the grass they get from their foreign sponsors. Durkha Butt and Sasdeep Rardesai are the flag bearers of this group. This sub-species of Hindus are commonly found in power corridors and university departments that churn out unemployable Mindus.
4. DSB (Daughter Selling Brigade)
Out of all Hindu sub-species, this one is special as it has evolved a completely new evolutionary mechanism unheard of in the animal kingdom. DSB dupe themselves by thinking that there is no difference between them and carnivores of bARBarIA. But when carnivores of bARBarIA strike they offer their daughters for temporary peace. Bharmal of Amer was the pioneer of this subspecies and offered his daughter Barka Hai to BAkbar. Currently Mindus who can do mental gymnastics form this subspecies and are found predominantly in the regions of Bengal and Kerala.
5. Lindus (Liberal Hindus)
This sub-species of Hindus derive pleasure from grass eating and grass eating alone. They think if they can harvest bountiful of grass then everyone will be satisfied including carnivores of bARBarIA. They think carnivores of bARBarIA only eat Hindus because of lack of grass. So, they want to import more carnivores of bARBarIA from Bangladesh if they can help in bumper harvest of grass. This is the most insignificant sub-population of Hindus but has greatly increased its numbers in the last 2-3 years since Marendra Nodi became head of Mindu-Rashtra. J Ragannathan, Supa Rubramaniam and Burjit Shalla are some of the leaders of this sub-species. You can usually spot Lindus eating grass in big corporations or grass think-tanks, advocating for mass import of grass eating carnivores from Bangladesh.
6. Findus (Fascist Hindus)
Findus are the last subspecies and despised by all other subspecies of Hindus except when they are under attack from carnivores of bARBarIA. Findus have given up the ritual of offering grass to carnivores of bARBarIA as they have realized that this new species in town cannot be controlled by old methods. Findus want to drive out carnivores of bARBarIA out of India or convert them back to Hindu fold using force. This violent activity has turned many Findus into carnivores now. They are equally dispersed all around India but their numbers are hard to guess. Traveen Pogadia and Bhogi Yodityanath are some known members of this sub-species.
These genetic mutations have now led to a lot of infighting among different subspecies with each subspecies denying others the right to call themselves true Hindu. But the million dollar question remains whether any of these mutations will help the Hindus survive in the long run.
Also read: Different Species of Muslims found in India